A little while ago I got into a conversation with a work colleague and it came up that Melina and I were writing a book on marriage.  He wished us success and complimented us on following through with our plans to actually write it, and then he asked me the following question.  “What would you say are the top three most important things to having a marriage that lasts?”  The question caught me by surprise, as I hadn’t ever thought before in terms of a “top 3” list – there are many things that make for a successful marriage, including mutual respect, learning about and meeting each other’s needs, good communication, etc. (for a detailed review of all “that it takes” take a look at our book!).  After thinking of it for a while I answered him by saying that in my mind the top three most important things to having a successful and lasting marriage are: commitment, communication and conflict resolution (The “Three C’s”).  Turns out that these are chapters 1, 3 and 4 in our book, reflective of their relative importance.

Of all the aspects of a marriage (along with those listed earlier are sex, finances, in laws and family, kids and more) why did I tell my colleague that I felt the MOST important three were commitment, communication and conflict resolution?  Great question – I’m glad you asked!

A ferocious commitment to each other and to your marriage is the foundation that everything else rests on.  Without a tenacious commitment to your relationship none of the rest will matter because when tough times hit your relationship (and they will) and the emotions are raw and the challenge is huge everything will fall apart. That commitment is what enables you to make it through the most difficult times, together, and to not hit the eject button at any sign of trouble as so many couples do.

Excellent communication is the next key to having a successful marriage.  Have you noticed that you and your spouse are different?  Of course physically but in so many other ways as well you are both “wired” differently.  Having really solid communication enables you to understand each other and to grow closer together, instead of drifting apart over time as people do when they are not connected emotionally.

The last, but by no means the least important, of these “Top 3” things is how you resolve conflict as a couple. It’s so important to have the skills to do so well and without the typical “collateral damage” that comes when emotional cluster bombs are getting dropped all over the place.  Conflict is a normal part of any relationship and being able to work through the inevitable conflicts that will arise is critical to having a lasting, thriving relationship (we discuss in the book how “never arguing” is not a good, healthy pattern for a marriage).

So there it is – the “Top 3” that came about as a result of my colleague’s question.  Let us know your thoughts on these three or if you feel there are others that should replace one of these.